Plumping up for the Camino

I got my body fat tested today----it was just $2 at the gym and I figured, “I spend more money on breathing than that”, so what the hell!? I need some good fat for the Camino, as pilgrims lose weight from the hyper-surplus of daily energy expended walking and hiking along the route. 

Don’t lynch me girls, but I’m trying to GAIN weight for this massive endeavor on which about I’m about to embark. Lord, give me more body fat. Give me mass, and bulk, and something to hold my backpack up----some junk in the trunk, as my trunk is a bit empty right now! Fill it up!

Scott, athletic center dude, asked me my weight (which I didn’t know---sorry Scott, not all girls have scales), height, and age and I had to stand like Shera the Universe Warrior, arms outstretched, gripping a small plastic and metal machine into the sky, while standing like cement, tense, still, solid and hold, keep holding.....(interject crickets chirping for 30 seconds) and the prognosis is: 15%!

15% body fat.. That’s loads, right? Or too little? I have no clue what normal, loads, or a paucity of body fat is. Deer in the headlights. I look at Scott and he has no clue either. The blind leading the blind. I turn to leave the fat-detection area and mumble, “Okay, I’m going swimming now”, as Scott chimes with a whirl and pearly whites as if to make up for his lack of pertinent information, “....you look good though!”

I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I remember that in high school we were pinched and prodded in Health or Gym Class, as our body fat was calculated by pliers and an abacus. What was my body fat percentage then? Damn, I can’t remember! What’s the point? I have absolutely nothing to compare myself to! 

Finally, I did what any uber-curious, weight-wondering, oblivious gal would do---Google my 15% body fat percentage. Jesus! Excuse my name-in-vain-usage, Christ! Normal is 21-25%, so already I’m ABNORMAL. Physically fit is 17-21%. I’m not fit enough!? And, lastly, athletic is 14-17%. Anything below that range is simply essential fat to sustain life....I’m borderline skinny she-male here and aspiring to sustain my own life during the Camino. Need more fat!

Damn! I swear I’ve been eating organic power bars, Mexican food, and Klondike bars for the past month. I’ve really been shoveling it in. I thought that I’d have packed on a little more poundage, but my efforts must have been thwarted by my triathlon training. It burns away everything I’ve worked so hard on. I know what you’re thinking. Poor you, you skinny #*&^! Yes, poor me! 

NEED FAT! 

If you would like to donate to the “donate fat to Me” charity, please do so. I will assemble an aspiration tube from any part of your body to my empty trunk and we’ll take it from there. Please. At least donate a Twinkie----just kidding, I’m healthier than that----I mean a funnel cake or two, with a side of Twix and Butterfinger.